Ask R U OK? Any Day

12 September 2024

By Danielle Tesoriero, Suicide Prevention Manager – Zero Suicides in Care Initiatives, South Eastern Sydney Local Health District.

Social isolation and disconnection are two significant drivers for distress. R U OK? Day, marked on the second Thursday in September every year, is an important reminder and opportunity for us to create, or re-establish meaningful connections with the people around us. Particularly those who may be going through a hard time or experiencing emotional distress.

A conversation could save a life! But how should we approach these conversations? And how should you respond if someone says they’re not OK?

Here are some practical tips for asking R U OK?

Our own wellbeing is important

Before we ask R U OK, it’s essential that we pause and take a moment to consider our own mental health. Our emotional state can impact the way we respond when someone tells us they are struggling with life. It’s important that we acknowledge this and consider seeking support from someone else, to check in with the person instead.

Be mindful about seeking support for yourself. If you’ve had a difficult or confronting conversation with someone experiencing distress, it’s important to prioritise your own self-care too. You can’t serve from an empty cup. Be kind and grant yourself the same compassion you offer to others.

Signs a person might not be ok

Understanding the signs that someone may be distressed or experiencing thoughts of suicide is important. Equally, it is important to acknowledge that there may not be any specific signs at all. Instead, it may be an instinct or gut feeling you have, that something isn’t quite right.

Some signs that a person might be experiencing distress or thinking about taking their own life might include:

changes in mood or personality
appearing confused or irritated
concerned they are a burden on others or the future
saying they are unable to switch off
saying they feel lonely or trapped
seem withdrawn, anxious or visibly distressed
losing interest in things they love or enjoy doing
changes to sleep patterns or personal hygiene
changes in concentration, for example they may be hyper focused or distracted
taking more time off or working more than usual
responding differently to situations than usual
getting their affairs in order, for example, giving away possessions.

It is important to consider what the person may be experiencing in life that could increase their level of distress. For example, things like relationship challenges, major health concerns, work pressure, a constant state of stress, financial challenges, grief and loss or any other significant life events.

Start the conversation

Find a comfortable quiet space and use an open compassionate approach to start the conversation. Lead by checking in, or mention something specific that you have noticed. Maybe a change in the person’s behaviour, or perhaps something the person has mentioned to you in a previous conversation. You could ask:

“I just wanted to check in with you, I noticed that you’ve been quiet lately. Is everything OK?”
“How is everything going? I have been thinking about our conversation the other day. I just wanted to check in to see how you are.”

If a person doesn’t want to talk, that’s OK. It’s important you mention your concern and offer a safe space if they ever do feel like talking. Let them know that you care and that they are not alone. Sometimes just knowing someone is there can help a person feel less distressed and open to seeking help.

Respond with empathy

It is important to remember that this may be the first time the person is sharing the way they are feeling or what they are going through. Acknowledge what the person is saying and avoid interrupting them. Thank them for sharing. Be open and use respectful curiosity to encourage them to share their story. Be mindful of listening actively and providing empathetic responses. It’s OK if you have an emotional response, but it’s important to remain focused on the person in the moment and acknowledge that you are glad they shared with you.

Ask the person how long they have been feeling this way and if they have done anything in the past to help with their distress. Ask if there is anything they can do in this moment to help them.

It might feel uncomfortable, but it’s OK to ask directly if they are currently having, or have had, thoughts about self-harm or taking their own life. If a person discloses that they are thinking about taking their own life, it is important to seek help. It is OK to feel overwhelmed. Stay with the person and seek out support together. There are a number of crisis resources listed at the end of this article.

If you are seriously concerned about someone and think that they may be in immediate danger please call 000.

Keep the conversation going

Set a reminder in your diary to follow up with the person in a couple of weeks. If they're really struggling, follow up with them sooner. You could say "I've been thinking of you and wanted to know how you've been going since we last chatted."

Ask if they've found a way to manage their situation. If they haven't done anything, don't judge them. They might just need someone to listen to them for the moment.

Stay in touch and be there for them. Genuine care and concern can make a real difference.

Remember, every day is a good day to connect and start a conversation.

Seeking support

SafeHaven at Kogarah

Headspace at Bondi Junction

Headstart - Find mental health support for anyone, anywhere

Lifeline Australia - 13 11 14 - Crisis Support. Suicide Prevention.

Suicide Call Back Service

Beyond Blue | 24/7 Support for Anxiety, Depression and Suicide Prevention

Headspace National Youth Mental Health Foundation

SANE Australia

StandBy – Support after suicide